{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

{ the other side of me }

People who know me will say that im loud, outspoken, optimistic, full of good shit and bubbly. Well, there is the other side of me. The darker side i suppose. I usually hide this side and only one person has seen it so far. Yup. My parents haven seen it. I am not proud of it and to prevent people from finding out, I always try to keep a brave front. Thus, when i finally broke down and got myself overdosed with panadols last may, my friends couldnt believe it.

The truth is, i can be quite 'anal' about cetain things. Especially when it comes to relationships. I totally agree with Dia when she said that BGRs can really bring a person down. We might feel that the world is under our feet and everything is possible. But is everything really possible? I have been asking myself this question many times over a period of many years... and my conclusion is that we cant take control of another person. We cant stop a person from doing stuff if the person wants to do it.

Last night, it finally dawned on me that i have severe violent tendencies. I used to be able to control my emotions till recently, hell break lose. ROARzzz!!! I can get all aggitated and then i go mad by throwing stuff, cutting up stuff, hurt myself and even attack others. Its not the first time that this had happened, but it was the most serious. I had to use my inhaler becoz i had an asthma attack after he left and i had to consume Valium to knock myself to sleep. I couldnt sleep after the fight last night. I know that it was entirely my fault. I screwed things up despite him giving in to me last night. I know that i love him but i just cant control myself from hurting him.

Can u live with someone who has split personality? We can be so lovey dovey this moment, have mind blowing sex, and the next thing u know, we have shouting matches, calling each other fucking names and get physically abused by hair pulling, slapping, whacking, pushing, shoving etc etc. Cooling off period usually last no more than 36hrs and the vicious cycle continues.

I really wonder how long we are going to take all these... I know i can live with this but can he? I know that he really love me because despite the huge fightout. He said he have never gave up on me. The msg he sent this morning said that he will forgive me always but it doesnt mean that he can let me abuse him. He loves me but he wun allow me to harm him.

Im writting this because i really need help. Im not going to allow myself to hurt my love ones. I refused to seek help in the past but i really want to be helped now. Any recommendations? Psychologist, DRs, Proffesors, Bomohs, Dream Granny anyone?

ApriL @
6:37 pm;